Coming Apart at the Seams

Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams

1/26 - So I woke up this morning and decided I'd had enough.  The body hurts, the mind is foggy.  This is no way to live.  I have made an appointment to see the doctor later this morning, something that everyone has been urging me to do for a long time.

I don't have a normal life anymore.  I never know, from one day to the next, whether I am going to be able to discharge my responsibilities at work.  It is difficult for me to leave the house, because I feel safe here, but not out there.  Sometimes it is hard for me to drive home, and I only live a half mile from the office. I can no longer engage in exercise or sport.  Physical therapy made me feel worse, not better.  Both of my forearms look shredded from having to scratch at the constant, inexorable itching. My left hand and arm are pretty damn useless because of the pins and needles that never ever stop. I cannot eat, at least not like a normal human. Often I experience pain in my abdomen (I can't say in my stomach, because as far as I know, they bypassed that sucker over 10 years ago.  But as Tom Baker says, Who knows?  Who knows?)  My eyesight suddenly and dramatically declined.  I'm afraid to drive after sundown.  Weirdest of all, I lost so much weight so rapidly, it reminds me of my early days after my gastric bypass.  No clear idea why.  I know I don't eat much, but I never have gone back to eating normally.  Nothing is normal for me anymore.

I don't know how, if at all, the injuries I sustained back in May have contributed to this situation.  I was already experiencing the constant chronic symptoms of fibromyalgia or chronic pain syndrome for a long time before I took that awful fall in the elevator.  My worker's comp carrier sent me to this doctor or for that test, and in the end all they found was a pretty insignificant spinal irregularity, or maybe it was a pinched nerve.

I have headaches all the time. I feel depressed, almost always sad.  I am a bit more forgetful, but I've been fighting that for a long time, starting with menopause and antidepressants.  Most of the time I can find my words, or come up with an adequate substitute.  But I am not as sharp as I used to be, and that bothers me so very, very much.

Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot

Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got

Maybe I'm headed over the hill

Maybe I've set myself up for the kill

Tell me how much do you think you can take

Until the heart in you is starting to break?

Sometimes it feels like it will

Done with the doctor.  My doctor, not The Doctor.  He spent quite a bit of time with me, which I appreciate.  He listens, which I also appreciate.  After I expressed my concerns about the impact of my health upon my work product, he said I might want to think about early retirement.  I might, I definitely might - I have, as a matter of fact, especially now that I am 62, but, as my friend Dave likes to preface many of his arguments to the Court, "the truth of the matter is" that I can't afford to do so.

In the meantime, I am going to have a colonoscopy, and then someone will stick a tube down my gullet to try to discern why the food I eat has become the gift that keeps on giving.  And blood, gotta give some blood to those ever-so-cheerful vampires at Quest Diagnostic.  But not today; I tried to walk into Quest following my doctor's appointment, but the waiting room looked like they were at the front of the line for an all you can eat ribs night at Sizzler.  The faces were grim but hopeful.  No empty chairs.  I had as much chance of joining their group as Netanyahu has of sharing tea and crumpets with Obama.  I'll try again, thanks.

And there will be drugs - actually, just one small add-on, as my doctor is aware that a) I have a "thing" about taking too much medication, especially anything that has the slightest chance of being addictive, and b) I can't swallow the damn things anyway.  No room in my stomach pouch, seriously.

So I am done with all that, and back at home, tucked into my corner of the couch.  I don't know what life is going to bring, but then, Who Does?  Who Does?

Amazing Corn Muffins and Honey Butter

I was in the mood for corn muffins.  Not cornbread, not corn casserole, not corn pudding.  Corn muffins.  The type you can eat for breakfast, with or without butter.  The type of corn muffins I like, not too big (a ginormous muffin from BJ's can last me four days) and (all my southern friends avert your eyes) on the sweet side.  Damn yankees.

I make a pretty good sour cream cornbread which goes really well with my chili or any Tex-Mex theme buffet (oh yeah, my burritos and enchiladas and even a rogue chimichanga) but doesn't work as a breakfast corn muffin.  I really wanted a corn muffin that would go nicely with my morning coffee, and that would travel well to the office - meaning it had to bake well in paper liners.  So I started my online research, and found that such a corn muffin really exists, and I had all the tools needed to create them.

There are certain things I keep in the pantry.

Besides an excess of canned goods, I mean.  I have 3 pantry closets plus a spice cabinet, so technically I have an excess of everything.

See the Jiffy mixes?  I always have a few of the corn muffin and a few of the yellow cake mix.  The corn muffin mixes are used in my favorite corn casserole, and the cake mix is there in case I have an urge to throw together my favorite coffee cake.

Today I was able to use one box of each to create what my son has christened "amazing" corn muffins.  Robert scarfed down most of two muffins and told me they smelled "amazing".  And having tasted and smelled them, I happily concur.

And the paper liner pulls away perfectly!

Amazing Corn Muffins

1 box Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix
1 box Jiffy Golden Yellow Cake Mix
2 extra large eggs
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup half-and-half

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.  Spray a paper towel with some non-stick spray and wipe the top of a 12 cup muffin tin.  Place a paper liner in each of the cups.

Combine all of the ingredients in a medium bowl, and with a wooden spoon, stir well just to combine.  There are going to be lumps in the batter, which is normal when making muffins.  Scoop the batter into the cups.  They will be filled almost to the top.  Carefully slide into the preheated oven, and bake for 15 to 20 minutes.  Let cool in the muffin tin for about five minutes, then remove the muffins and let them to finish cooling on a rack.  Be careful when separating the top of the muffin from the top of the tin; you might want to use the tip of a sharp little knife to slide between.  I used my very long fingernails, but that's just me.

You are going to love these.  You can eat them right out of the oven or cooled to room temperature.  Next time I am going to try them with butter.  Or honey.  Or honey butter.

Honey Butter

1 stick of butter, softened
1 tablespoon flavorful honey

With a whisk, whip the butter together with the honey.  Store any leftovers in the refrigerator.

The honey butter is also perfect with Bubba's Beer Biscuits.  Yes, that's another blog post.

Confessions of a Balaboosteh

Sitting in bed and re-reading Heinlein's The Cat Who Walked Through Walls for the twentieth or fiftieth time.  Tomorrow is another day (oh shut up, Scarlett!)  Reading a real paper book rather than a digital version helps me get to sleep.  That and the stuff I take at night for the Insane Itching.

Got lots of sleep, mostly good, and put the lasagna into the crockpot to cook for the rest of the day.  As I sit here drinking my coffee, it occurs to me that I need to get dressed and out of here before my body remembers it is supposed to be in pain.  How's that for a strategy?  Rob is emptying the dishwasher and I'm about to pick up after the furries, but first he modeled this rather perfect tee-shirt which I just have to share.

My cooking plans involve a bouillabaisse which is going to simmer (maybe even burble) in the other crockpot.  Beyond that, my brain is devoid of ideas and I will just have to see what is available at BJ's and Publix.  After I peruse a few cookbooks, that is, and these are "my" cookbooks, or rather my recipe collections, 10 or so ring binders filled with copies of every recipe I've ever cooked and a bunch more I'd like to try.  I'm looking for something to do with ground beef, because I happen to have one perfect package in the freezer.  Stuffed Red Peppers.  I got this.  Chicken?  Leftover heaven.

Side dishes.  Hmm.  Well, I've some nice salad, and while Robert will turn up his nose at it, Cory and I will enjoy.  Starch?  Rice is nice and I really want to try my new rice cooker.

 So we went out - the way I shopped you would think I was feeding the Duggar family.  Between BJ's and Publix, we spent well over - well, a lot.  While we were at BJ's, my plan changed when I snagged a beautiful package of round bone shoulder lamb chops and a 10 pound boneless pork loin.  The bouillabaisse went out the window, the chili verde flew in.  Should be an interesting week for cooking.  I was excited to buy tomatillos and fresh, fragrant cilantro.  I'm so easy to amuse, I know.  I also got all happy about those gummy vitamins.

                                             
Tonight I am doing nothing more strenuous than setting out cheese and crackers and watching the Magic play the Indiana Pacers.  Maybe knit.  I ate an entire Ritz cracker with pimento cheese for lunch, and it stayed down, so I was full and happy.  For anyone who wants real food for dinner, the lasagna is done, the salad is tossed, and the garlic butter is ready to be brushed onto the French bread.  I picked at some of the melted cheese and sauce from around the lasagna while I struggled to move it out of the crockpot, so as far as I am concerned, I've had my dinner.                                                                                                          

I cut the first piece from the lasagna to create a photo op, and to satisfy my own curiosity about how well this behemoth dish set up.  It cut nice, so I'm pretty satisfied, although that is a really crappy picture.  Taste? Well, that cheese was pretty good.  The meat layer is really good, with my tiny turkey meatballs doing nobly next to the sausage.

But now I have a confession to make.  Several confessions, actually.  First, I don't like lasagna, never have.  That's why I have been perfecting my baked ziti recipe for the past 35 years.  I love baked ziti.

For some reason, although the ingredients are virtually identical, I do not care for lasagna.  It always tastes boring to me, which is why I started to throw in a layer of flavorful vegetables and change around the cheeses.  Despite that, given a choice between even a really good lasagna and say, sautéed chicken livers, I would definitely choose the chicken livers.

I feel a lot of Jewish guilt over this.  How can I, a native New Yorker, diss lasagna?  So I overcompensate by whipping it up twice a year, whether or not we need it.  This was one of those times.  Which brings me to my second confession.

I  will never cook this particular dish in the crockpot ever again.  Ever.  There was no advantage to cooking this in the crockpot (except the awesome food smells that emanated throughout the house for eight hours.)  Removing the lasagna from the crockpot was ridiculous, aluminum foil sling notwithstanding.  I made messes, cleaned up, made more messes, flinging sauce and cheese hither and yon.  The taste is okay, and it set up and cut nicely, but it would do exactly the same thing if I baked it in the oven, in one of my trusty aluminum pans.

So while I utterly adore the crockpot and all the amazing dishes that can be completed in one, take it from this balaboosteh - lasagna ain't one of them.

I Say A Little Prayer For You - Crockpot Fridge Buster Lasagna

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

Or for me ... it's taken me five days to write one blog post.  

January 21 - Abysmal.  That is the single most accurate word to describe yesterday.  I'm not assigning fault.  I'm not going to give specifics.  I'm just going to say that for thirteen hours, I was in an abysmal situation.  I was not alone, but as I have stated in the past, the pain of others brings me no pleasure.

Today is not shaping up much better.  And tomorrow is up for grabs.

The weather is lovely, nicer than it has been for weeks.  There is a warmth from seventies type temperature, the air is clear, and the sky is a crisp blue.  There have been some really great sunspots formed on the floor at the house, quite pleasing to several of my furry children.  As you can see, I am looking for the golden lining.

January 22 - Oh please dear Lord, by all that is holy, please just send a gentle heavenly nudge this way to ensure a voluntary consent.  I would like to avoid trials and tribulations this morning.  Especially trials.

January 23 - The last day of a tough week.  The pain and exhaustion come and then they go.  Rapid cycling fibromyalgia.  I can't eat, I can't keep my head upright, I can't think clearly.  I haven't been able to make it to the hospital to see Terry.  I can't cook nor food shop. And "The Ballad of Gilligan's Island" keeps running through my head.

Although we did not need a trial this morning, the proceedings were sufficiently convoluted and complicated to take most of the morning.  My back is breaking.  I'm going to have to head home and stay home.  I feel physically and emotionally defeated.

No cooking, no recipes.

January 24 - I survived.  I am here, albeit after a late rising, and I feel strong enough to put on clothes and leave the house for some food shopping.  After a disastrous Friday morning, the end of a horrible, stressful, debilitating week,  I came home and stayed home and crashed and burned.  I slept - oh, did I sleep.

Oh nuts.  I crashed again.  I tried to eat, I really did.  A nice one egg omelet.  Well, at least Robert enjoyed the other half.  Okay, shopping tomorrow, God willing and the crick don't rise.  In the meantime, I decided I had to prepare something edible for my family.  I had been playing around with the idea of crockpot lasagna, but I was missing ricotta cheese and ground beef.  That led me to strip-search my refrigerator, freezer and pantry, and while this is hardly easy, I was able to sit down between assembling each layer, and so it came together.  Of course, what with sitting down between layers and watching episodes of The Librarians, it was too late to fire up the crockpot, so the lasagna-filled crock is sitting in the fridge.  Tomorrow, while I head out to finally do some food shopping and stocking, the lasagna will be slow-cooking for 6 to 8 hours, until it burbles.  Isn't that a great word?  Burble.  It sounds so cheerful.  I could use cheerful.

Crockpot Fridge Buster Lasagna
Prepare each layer, and set aside.

Sauce
olive oil
1 - 9.6 oz. bag Jimmy Dean Fully Cooked Hearty Sausage Crumbles (mine were frozen)
1 chopped onion
2 large cloves garlic, chopped
2 -24 oz. jars vodka sauce (I used one jar Bertolli and one jar of Classico.  Next time I think I'll use a spicy marinara, in which case I will substitute for the half-and-half with some water or wine)
1/2 cup half-and-half

Add a few tablespoons of olive oil to a medium saucepan over medium heat.  Pour in the sausage crumbles and cook until no longer frozen and starting to brown.  Add the onion and garlic and cook just until the onion is soft.  Now add the vodka sauce.  Pour the half-and half into one of the sauce jars, shake well and then add this mixture to the other sauce jar. Cover and shake well and finally pour the liquid into the pan.  Lower the heat, and simmer together for about 15 minutes.  Lower the heat as much as possible, and keep sauce warm while preparing the layers.

Sausage and Meatballs
olive oil
1/2 pound mild Italian sausage, sliced (I used red pepper and onion variety from Carroll's in Georgia)
1/2 pound tiny turkey meatballs, cooked (mine were from a frozen cache; see the November 23, 2014 post for the recipe)
1 - 24 oz. jar Bertolli Porcini Mushroom Sauce (next time I will go with a regular mushroom sauce)

In a frying pan, combine a tablespoon of olive oil with the sausage over medium heat.  Once the sausage is defrosted and beginning to show color, add the meatballs.  Cook together until the meatballs are defrosted, then drain off any fat in the pan.  Return the pan to the burner and add the sauce.  Simmer the meats and sauce for a few minutes, then leave sitting on the burner on the lowest setting.

Spinach and Artichoke Layer
1 - 10 oz. package frozen chopped spinach, defrosted and squeezed dry
1- 12 oz. jar marinated artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup shredded parmesan cheese
3 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 very large clove garlic, minced or microplaned
1 egg
salt and pepper

With a wooden spoon, combine all the ingredient in a medium bowl and set aside.

Cheese Layer
3/4 pound large curd 4% cottage cheese
1 - 8 oz. package Kraft shredded mozzarella with cream cheese
1/4 cup shredded parmesan
2 tablespoons sour cream
2 eggs
salt, pepper, parsley flakes

With a wooden spoon, combine all the ingredient in a medium bowl and set aside.

Lasagna Layers
1 - 1 pound package soft taco size flour tortillas (10 to a package)
remaining shredded parmesan (I hand-shredded a 5 oz. piece of parmesan for the entire recipe)
1 - 8 oz. package sliced provolone cheese

I prepared this in my 6 quart oval crockpot, and it was filled almost to the top.  Removing the finished lasagna from a crockpot is always tricky, so I followed the advice of several online food bloggers and created an aluminum foil "sling" as a liner for the crockpot.  Cut three of the tortillas in half.

Now, the layers:
Sauce to coat the bottom of the crockpotollllllWith a wooden spoon, combine all the ingredient in a medium bowl and set aside.e44444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444

(Wait.  Chelsea just walked across the keyboard, typed this and turned on the music.  The iPad is now playing the theme from "Rocky", and Chelsea is seated next to Robert.  Apparently I wasn't paying enough attention to her.)

Let's try those layers again:

1. Vodka sauce to coat the bottom of the crockpot
2. One and one-half tortillas
3. One-half of the cooked sausage and meatballs, including half of the sauce they were cooked in
4. Shredded parmesan
5. One and one-half tortillas
6. Vodka sauce to generously cover the tortillas
7. One-half of the cottage cheese mixture
8. One and one-half tortillas
9. All of the spinach and artichoke mixture
10. One and one-half tortillas
11. Remaining sausage and meatballs with their sauce
12. Shredded parmesan
13. One and one-half tortillas
14. Vodka sauce to generously cover the tortillas
15. Remaining cottage cheese mixture
16. One and one-half tortillas
17. All of remaining vodka sauce
18. All of the sliced provolone

At this point, I covered it and put it in the fridge overnight.  The next morning, I set the cooker on high for the first hour, then reduced to low for the rest of the time.

Cook on low for 6 to 8 hours until done all the way through.  Shut off the heat, and leave the crockpot for about a half hour.  Using the aluminum foil sling, carefully remove the lasagna to a deep aluminum pan or casserole dish.

Before you run out and purchase a crockpot to prepare this ginormous dish, read tomorrow's blog post. Oh, it tasted pretty darn good, but ...

Viva la Vongole! - Linguine with White Clam Sauce

January 19, 2015 - There are a lot of things I could or should be doing today, but I'm not engaged in any activity more complicated than sitting in my couch corner, sipping coffee and enjoying the company of my dogs.  Even the television is off, as I am not sure I could handle more bad news. The Oklahoma Thunder crushed the Orlando Magic last night, and today is officially "Blue Monday", the saddest day of the year according to some bizarre mathematical formula that escapes me (but then so did calculus, both times I took it in college).

Truly, I don't feel like this is the saddest day of the year.  For one thing, I don't live in an area where freezing temperatures have turned the roads into ice-skating rinks and residents are suffering from frostbite and cabin fever.  I've been there, and that's no joke.

I made no New Year's Resolutions, so I do not feel bad about failing to follow through.  My traditional life-long resolution, to lose weight, is a joke.  This year I thought about resolving to stop losing weight.  Somewhere, Jean Nidetch is laughing at me.

Since I don't celebrate Christmas, I haven't run my charge cards up through the roof to purchase presents for my loved ones, and am now receiving the bills.  I've got bills, but not like that.  My bills always make me sad. Always.

I've got tsuris in my life, who doesn't?   But the saddest day of the year?  Not by a long shot.  When I say I can't take anymore bad news, I'm referring to acts of Islamic terrorism or natural disasters like typhoons, or reports of child abuse.  And it's not a day for Yahrzeit, remembrance for the passing of a loved one.  Those are really sad days, even if they don't fit into someone's mathematical delusion.  And when I think about those of my friends who are, as I write this, facing a medical crisis, I feel very bad.  My heart hurts for them not just today but every day.  Damn cancer.

My fibromyalgia is at a low simmer today.  And I had enough fresh garlic to repair that truly awful linguine dish I ordered at the restaurant the other night.  Save the Clams!  Viva la Vongole!  Long Live the Clams!

The rescue operation involved preparing a smaller amount of my tried-and-true white clam sauce recipe, and then purging the leftovers of grape tomatoes (in white clam sauce?) and bits of some overly spicy sausage (in white clam sauce??)  Oh, and I poured off that sad excuse for sauce, which contained neither garlic nor olive oil.  I think it must have been watered down white wine.  Fortunately, after I got done with it, it was awesome.

Here is the full-bore, from scratch, no-rescue-needed recipe that I have relied on for 25 years. Once you prepare this at home, you will never again be tempted to order it at a restaurant, even a good Italian restaurant.

Linguine with White Clam Sauce

1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
10 cloves garlic, smashed and chopped
2 - 8 oz. bottles clam juice
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 cup dry white wine
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon parsley flakes
1 teaspoon dried basil
kosher salt, black pepper, and a pinch of sugar
6 flat cans chopped clams
2 tablespoons butter
2 dozen fresh littleneck clams

12 oz. linguine (flat spaghetti), cooked al dente

In a large deep pan, heat the garlic very gently in the oil to a golden brown.  Add the clam juice, lemon juice, wine, oregano, parsley, basil, salt, pepper and sugar.  Simmer for 20 minutes to heat thoroughly and mingle flavors.  Taste and adjust seasoning if necessary.  Add the canned clams, with their juice, to the pan, bring up to heat, then add the fresh clams, cover the pan, lower the heat and cook about 10 minutes until the clams open.  Stir the butter into the sauce.  Gradually add the linguine to the sauce, stirring to coat the pasta.  Heat together just a minute, then serve immediately.