Mistress Crankypants - Creamy Peanut Butter Frosting

Ich bin verschroben.  Just a touch.  I have to schedule an appointment with the dentist, and that always skews my chi in the wrong direction.  I am glad to be back at my desk.  I know, I'm weird.  I am thrilled that the DCF Help Desk helped me to access my email, which was in suspended animation for several weeks after being migrated to a new domain.  The downside was that I had 29 pages of email to open and review.  That's 580 messages, in case you are counting.

So cranky I remain.  My back still hurts, a little reminder that I do not control the fibromyalgia, the fibromyalgia controls me.  The world and national news is bad, very bad.  Two police officers were ambushed in Los Angeles, fortunately no casualties, but shots were fired at them.  Two police officers were fired at in Pasco County here in Florida.  I guess it's now open season on cops.  (Are you happy, Al Sharpton?)  A case of Ebola has been confirmed in Scotland, and the Ebola cases in Sierra Leone and a few other African countries continue to rise in number.

It has been a full day since the Indonesian Airbus disappeared from the radar, and its whereabouts remain unknown (Update: debris has been found.  What a terrible word, debris).  And we know all too well what that means.  Heartbreak, agony, accusations, blaming,  unbearable emotional turmoil,  media frenzy, speculation, finger-pointing, character assassinations, management resignations, mass grieving, and multiple lawsuits.  And no proper funerals, because ... well, because.  For the families, that has to be the worst part.  God give them strength.

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Yesterday I finished the triple chocolate cupcakes by adding a swirl of peanut butter frosting to each one.  Now I know the Cake Mix Doctor has stated that there is no way to fix up a tub of prepared frosting, but I respectfully beg to differ.  This was so good, I surprised myself.  I suspect that in the years since she published her first book, the product itself has been improved.  Whatever the reason, I highly recommend trying this awesome but easy peanut butter frosting.

1 - 16 oz. tub creamy vanilla frosting
1/3 cup smooth peanut butter
2-3 tablespoons half and half

Stir everything together by hand until completely blended and smooth, about 1 minute.  Frost the completely cooled cupcakes using your favorite method (spoon it, smooth it, dip it, pipe it).  I used a large star tip, and instead of a pastry bag, I used a plastic freezer bag, snipping off just a small bit of one corner to make an opening for the tip.

If you want to pile the frosting nice and high on the cupcakes, double the frosting recipe.

These were very well-received by my office peeps, and that is always gratifying to hear.  Even I ate a cupcake.  Chocolate, peanut butter, and a nice cuppa coffee.  Took care of the crankiness, and once I threw two Advil into the mix, even my back felt better.

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I want to wish my baby brother-in-law a very Happy Birthday.  When I first met him in 1972, he was just a kid, a senior in high school.  Now retired, recognized as highly accomplished, successful, and well-respected in his field, he is making a significant life change by pursuing an advanced degree in another discipline, all while being a great dad to three spectacular young adults.  Happy birthday, Kenny!  I know there is an angel in heaven watching after you and wishing you the same.

The Cookie Momster - Cream Cheese Cookies

When I was a kid in Brooklyn, I knew more than one person with the nickname "Cookie".  Only in Brooklyn, right?  Because once we moved to Long Island, I never heard it again.  Which was sad, because in my mind, there is no nickname as endearing as Cookie.  My own nickname, The Bear, is cute in its own way (and has a sweet backstory) but doesn't come close to Cookie.

So you can only imagine my delight when, after finding my Brooklyn Osher family, I gained a cousin named Cookie.  Cookie Schneider, 100% pure Brooklyn, married to my cousin Steve.  A lovely, warm, gracious lady.  And sweet, did I mention sweet?

I mention my cousin Cookie, because sometime this morning, I found my mind wandering to cookies. Christmas and cookies have always gone together, but it has unfortunately been a number of years since I have baked those hundreds of cookies on which I built my baking reputation back in the seventies.  Especially the last 11 years, when eating sweets became an afterthought.  I really wanted to knock out a batch of my cream cheese cookies, and maybe the hermit cookies, but I got distracted by a trip to Publix and 24 triple chocolate cupcakes.  

When we got back from Publix, I used up a couple of lingering ingredients to prepare my tzatziki (mine, all mine!) and an unexpected panful of kraut sveckle.  Seems I changed my mind about the Kingstowne wraps, and found myself with a bag of coleslaw mix - shredded white and red cabbage, and carrots.  Absolutely unauthentic, so I threw in some thinly sliced onion, and then mini farfalle to complete the heresy.  Thanks to Publix, now there's a fresh baguette that I want to turn into garlic bread, and those cupcakes, formerly frozen, which need to be iced or glazed or something.  Oh, and one other thing:

Don't freak out, those aren't really oxtails.  They are cowtails, silly.  Big difference.  But that's a recipe for another day.

Heretical Kraut Sveckle

(Have I ever mentioned how much I despise Al Sharpton?  We've been watching the news, incessantly, and everything is depressing.  But Al has been pissing me off since 1987.)

Back to my cookie brainstorm - here is the one recipe you should always keep in your back pocket.  I found this in a Betty Crocker cookbook way back when and it has never let me down. One never knows when a child will need four dozen cookies for a classroom party, or when you might get invited to compete on "Chopped".  I've been baking these in vast quantities since 1976 and never had a complaint.  Never had any leftovers, either.

Cream Cheese Cookies 

1/2 stick butter
1 - 8 oz. bar cream cheese
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 - 18.25 oz. box yellow or chocolate cake mix


Preheat oven to 375 degrees.  Let the butter and cream cheese soften at room temperature, then beat together until light and fluffy.  Beat in the egg and vanilla.  Gradually add in the cake mix, beating well after each addition.  Refrigerate for about an hour to firm up the dough and make it easier to handle. Use a small scooper to portion out the dough onto an ungreased baking sheet.  Flatten slightly, then place in the oven for 8 - 10 minutes until done.  Cool on the baking sheet for 5 minutes, then use a metal spatula to remove the cookies to cooling racks.

Now then, I'm sure you can see the endless possibilities for additions and variations.  My favorite involves adding a cup of chocolate chips to a chocolate batter, and using a medium sized scoop to portion them out.  I roll them with my hands before flattening them slightly onto the baking sheet, so they look positively professional.  Because of the larger size and the chips, I have to bake them longer than 10 minutes, and watch them until they are done.  It's very important to check to make sure the bottom of the cookie doesn't start to burn.  Of course you can frost them, ice them, glaze them, ganache them, sandwich them, dust them, or sprinkle them for a fancy finish.  They freeze well, by the way, so feel free to bake hundreds and hand them out to your nearest and dearest.  Save a few for yourself, though, these always go fast.

TRAVELBLOG POST #9 - May The Fez Be With You

Okay, just stick with me here.  It will make sense, I promise.

Didja ever just want to slap someone upside the head? Only myself, folks. Because when I pulled this post up to ready it for publishing, I realized the first part was stored on my iPhone, as I had been writing it while on a tour bus.  It was good stuff, and I looked forward to joining the two pieces of the essay.

Well, damn, spit, and dirty socks, the first part has disappeared off of the iPhone, assuming I saved it in the first place.  Just slap my face and call me Sally.

I'm pretty certain that what I lost was the entire island of Grand Turk. I guess I can't recreate the commentary, but I have some awesome pictures to show you.  Grand Turk was a big surprise for us, because more than one person told us there was nothing there but the beaches, and it turns out they were wrong.

Incredibly, outstandingly wrong.  That is a replica of John Glenn's capsule Friendship 7, the original of which splashdowned nearby (relatively speaking - close enough there was a Project Mercury tracking station and hospital on the island).

I thought my friend Chris Owens might enjoy these pictures.  The water, the sky, the sand - so many gorgeous combinations, so many shades of blue.

Isn't Nature incredible?

St. Mary's Pro-Cathedral, Anglican-Episcopal, established 1899. Gorgeous stained glass windows.

 Yeah, he is.

ARRRRRH!

Salt was such an incredible part of the island industry and economy - and then it wasn't.  You can still see salt pans all around the island, but now they are used for drainage.

Polite donkeys waiting for the office to open.

Seriously?  All I saw were tame donkeys.

Donkeys are very polite here on Grand Turk.  This one is waiting his turn on line to purchase a hot dog.  No mustard.

Not a beach, just a view of a neighborhood in Heaven.

The water was unbelievable.

I could have spent another two hours in this museum.

While contemporary thought tells us that Columbus first landed on the island of San Salvador, some scholars believe he landed on Grand Turk.

It's hard to see, but there are articles and exhibits here devoted to the possibility that Columbus' ship Pinta was shipwrecked off the coast of Grand Turk.

I developed a great affection for this island when we were told the basis for the name.  Do you see the little red hat on top of the cactus?  The cactus happens to be indigenous to the islands (along with so many other cacti). The red hat apparently reminded someone in charge of the red fezzes worn by gentlemen in the Ottoman Empire and an occasional TARDIS, and thus the name "Turks" for the islands.  Very cool.  Fezzes are cool.

Oh yes, there are beaches - gorgeous beaches.

HOT HOT HOT cont.

Speaking of cooking, things were weird in the dining room tonight.  Our servers were crazy rushed, and clearly under unusual pressure.  Yesterday they were dancing in the aisles; today they were stressing at their stations. The maitre d' and a few of his assistants were scooting around like the Warner Brothers' Roadrunner.  Beep beep.

Throughout this week's travelblog, while I've been raving about the cruise, I've been totally honest about the food.  No one who has cruised a while - and this is our 13th cruise, and the 12th on Carnival - comes onboard a Carnival ship expecting gourmet food.  For the most part, Carnival food is okay.  Quantity has always been great, if you are into that sort of thing. Since I haven't experienced hunger since June 2, 2003, quantity is not an issue for me.  There's always an extensive selection available, whether upstairs on the Lido deck for breakfast and lunch, or the main dining room for dinner.  I have always been able to find something tasty.  Occasionally there's a bomb, like the Baked Alaska or the Veal Parm.  The tilapia is always dry, but the salmon is delicious.  The appetizers are very good - beef carpaccio, escargot, fried shrimp with plum sauce, shrimp cocktail, smoked duck breast, and other tasty tidbits. Their flatiron steak is a good standby.  Soup is hit or miss.  I've noticed that the chefs here on the Sunshine are lax about seasoning.  Salt is almost always missing, and there have been several dishes that really needed a flavor boost from aromatics like onion and garlic. The salad bar and the plated salads are always good.  Cakes, pies, that sort of thing - pretty good.  The cheesecake is too light and airy, but we're from New York and we have certain standards the rest of the country will never match.  The warm chocolate melting cake and the soufflé are to die for.

You get the idea.  Overall, the food is good, not great. There are high points and low points.  Last night was a low point.  Chewy, stringy, tasteless beef filet I've trained my husband to be a descriptive food critic), and the strangest oysters Rockefeller I've ever tried to eat.  My wild mushroom bisque was very good.  Rob said his apple pie was very enjoyable.  But those oysters - one of the worst things I've ever been served on a cruise ship.  I'm putting those on the Baked Alaska list.  Never again.

There must have been a boatload of complaints last night - literally - and that must be what was causing the air of despair among the dining room staff.  At some point, a maitre d' type lady came over to ask us how the food and service had been.  We told her about those two dreadful dishes. I also told her that the service had been great as usual.  The part about the service wasn't entirely true, but I wasn't throwing those kids under the bus. It wasn't their fault they weren't walking Gangnam style this evening, I am sure of that.

We were approached by two other dining room captains with black jackets and furrowed brows, and at that point we just told them everything was fine. They could see those unnaturally emerald green oysters on my plate and draw their own conclusions. Having both worked in food service, we have some idea how hard it is to please everybody in a crowded dining room.  When "everybody" adds up to 3000 passengers, it is virtually impossible.  I have to say Carnival comes pretty close.

But those oysters Rockefeller ... damn ...

#TRAVELBLOG POST #8 - SAILING OVER THE BOUNDING MAIN

SAILING, SAILING, OVER THE BOUNDING MAIN

What the hell does that mean, anyway?  What is a bounding main?  Is that anything like trying to move through crashing white caps?  Thirty foot waves?  Is it really sailing or hydroplaning?

Not to complain, because this has been an awesome cruise, and this is truly outside of the control of the Captain and the bridge crews, but this ship has not stopped bucking like a bronco on speed since we left Port Canaveral.  It's rocking like Jerry Lee Lewis and rolling like Tina Turner.  Our steady speed and careful navigation does not deserve this type of beating, especially since it won't let up.

We've been on a couple of cruises which each had a day or two of serious rocking.  The last time, we were playing rope-a-dope with Hurricane Sandy.  But for some reason, this cruise has been an eight day roller coaster ride despite the complete absence of hurricane conditions.  (Unless you want to count that water spout we all saw on the second day of the cruise, which I don't because it was really off in the distance.) The ship is only level when we are in port.  The rest of the time, it tilts and twists like a particularly limber pole dancer.  Since I am a bona fide klutz who has gotten seasick on more than one occasion, I am constantly tipping one way or another, trying to keep my balance and my dignity.

Which just goes to prove that I made a good judgment call all those years ago when Bethe called to suggest we all go on another cruise together that wasn't on Carnival or Norwegian.  She told me to think about ABC - Aruba, Bonaire, and Curacao - on Windjammer.  Very exciting, except Windjammer was practically a sailboat.  Sailing the exotic southern Caribbean in a floating hotel was one thing; attempting that in an oversized canoe was something else.

So then came our second formal night.  Rob and I had decided a while back that we wanted to have a nice picture taken while we were onboard, so I carefully picked the dress, which I had gotten some years ago to wear at a wedding, and took the matching shoes.

These shoes, with the three inch heel and the snappy ankle strap.  Shoes I only wear with that particular dress on special occasions.  Shoes that I can just barely manage to wear for short periods of time under very controlled circumstances.  Pretty shoes for sure, but hardly practical for someone with dinky ankles and the innate ability to tip over while wearing flats. So I never wear heels to work, and the last pair of dress up shoes I bought to wear to my niece Mara's wedding were flats. I still tripped occasionally but at least I didn't have as far to fall.

But just this once, for the picture, I wanted to look really good, and besides, hurricane season was over, right?

I am not sure how we managed to stand upright for the picture-taking.  There were times I felt Rob was going to accidentally push me over because of the relentless motion of the ship.  We were clutching on to each other to keep from falling.  I was certain those photos would come out ghastly, but the photographer turned out to be quite talented and all I can say is not too shabby.


After dinner, all dressed up and feeling pretty, if just a bit unbalanced, we headed to one of the shows.  Walking to the lounge, and maneuvering up and down the stairs was akin to bungee jumping.  If it wasn't for Robert, I'd still be sitting there, unable to move.  And if it wasn't for the motion sickness wristbands I have been wearing constantly, I would be face down on my bed, sick as a dog, missing the whole cruise because I would be passed out from the Bonine.

So it's been interesting.  Good thing I still have a sense of humor.

I Woke Up in Love This Morning - Creamy Saffron Paella Salad

I woke up in love this morning
I woke up in love this morning
Went to sleep with you on my mind
I woke up in love this morning
I woke up in love this morning
Went to sleep with you on my mind

I woke up at 4:13 this morning for what I thought was the usual reason, but soon realized I was in the midst of an Insane Itching Episode, the kind that makes me want to shred my skin from my body.  I finally had to take a hydroxizine, something I haven't needed in months, and relief slowly took over.  In the meantime, my mind was consumed with those two containers of white rice that accompanied our order from the Chinese take-out last night.  I thought about making arancini - Italian rice balls - but I did not have all the ingredients, not even close, and besides, I did not feel like frying yet again.

Then I considered some kind of rice salad.  I have been making a wonderful Paella Salad for years, which I like to serve as part of a brunch buffet, and I had most of the ingredients, so after a half hour or so of noodling about on the Internet I made my decision.  Well, sort of, because I wanted to change the dressing.  Actually, I needed to change the dressing, because normally I would cook the rice in chicken broth imbued with saffron.  Since the rice is already cooked and cooled, I decided to try a saffron mayonnaise dressing instead of the clear Italian dressing I would normally use to capture that lovely saffron flavor.  I made a few other minor changes to my original recipe, and this is the result.

Creamy Saffron Paella Rice Salad

Saffron Mayonnaise Dressing:
1/2 teaspoon saffron threads
1 tablespoon hot water
2/3 cup Hellman's mayonnaise
1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 clove garlic
Kosher salt
White pepper
Cayenne pepper

Soak the saffron threads in the water for at least 5 minutes.  In a mixing bowl, add the saffron water and threads to the mayonnaise.  Add the lemon juice, and whisk together.  With a microplane, grate in a very small amount of garlic, maybe 1/4 of the clove.  Season with the salt, pepper, and cayenne, to taste. Whisk everything together and refrigerate the dressing while you assemble the rest of the salad.

Rice Salad:
1 large container cooked white rice (Chinese take-out), chilled, broken up into a large missing bowl
1 cup frozen petit peas, defrosted under warm water and well-drained
1 large plum tomato, seeded and chopped
1 bunch green onions, white and light green parts, sliced
1/4 cup chopped bell peppers, any colors (I used a combination of red and orange mini sweet peppers, which is what I happened to have in the refrigerator)
1 - 1/2 cup cooked white meat chicken, cubed small
4 oz. (about 3/4 cup) diced Hillshire Farms kielbasa
1 1/2 cup flake style imitation crab, broken up by hand

Combine the rice salad ingredients in a large mixing bowl.  Toss gently to combine.  With a rubber spatula, fold the saffron mayonnaise into the rice salad.  This recipe makes quite a lot, so feel free to cut it in half for smaller groups.

*EDITED 12/28/14 - if the rice salad seems dry, prepare another batch or half batch of dressing, and fold into the salad.

Okay ... the Van Gogh episode is on Doctor Who, get ready to leak tears.

Happy birthday to you, yeah! - Triple Chocolate Cupcakes

They say it's your birthday

It's my birthday too, yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you!

I woke up this morning, and my first thought was, whoo hoo, I can collect Social Security!  That's me, thankful for the small things.  I don't want to retire, not now, not for a good number of years, God willing.  But it's nice to have the option.

When I was a junior in high school, Honors English, our class was given an unusual writing assignment.  We were to write our own obituaries.  Some parents were rather upset at the morbid nature of the assignment and complained to school administration, but since I never told my grandparents anything they didn't absolutely need to know about what went on at school, they had no opinion on the matter.

My problem in completing this assignment was that I had never imagined a future for myself.  I had no dreams of husband, children, nor accomplishments.  I was 15 years old, in the early throes of a depression that would chase me the rest of my life.  My relationship with my grandparents had gone permanently south, and all I could dream of was getting out, but seeing no way to do so.

If I remember correctly, as a result of the complaints, the essays were not graded.  But they were returned to us with some comments, and all I can recall is my impression that the teacher was annoyed with me.  In retrospect, perhaps she was concerned, or even worried.  All I know is that she did not like the obituary I wrote for myself, in which "Cindy Morris, a graduate of Lawrence High School, became a war correspondent in Vietnam and was killed while covering a story.  She was 28 years old.  No husband, no children."  No Pulitzer Prizes, either.

As you might imagine, things have gotten a lot better since then.  They also got a lot worse at times, but that's life, as they say.

So today, on my 62nd birthday, I am happy and grateful to be here.

And I am going to bake cupcakes.  These are for my office peeps; I had planned on making them before Christmas, but epic fail and all that.  I think I'll freeze the baked cupcakes until Sunday, and then I'll frost them.

Triple Chocolate Cupcakes

1 (18.25 ounce) package devil’s food cake mix (with pudding in the mix)
1 (3.4 ounce) package instant chocolate pudding mix
1 cup sour cream
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs, lightly beaten
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon pure almond extract
1 tablespoon instant espresso granules dissolved in 1/2 cup warm water 
1 cup real chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 - 12 cup muffin tins with paper liners or spray with non-stick cooking spray.

2. Using a stand mixer or with a hand mixer in a large bowl, beat together all of the ingredients except for the chocolate chips. Beat for about two minutes on medium speed until well combined. Stir in the chocolate chips by hand.

3. Spray a regular ice cream scoop with release spray, and scoop, distributing the batter between the muffin cups.

4. Bake in preheated oven for 22-24 minutes or until the tops of the cakes spring back when lightly touched. Allow cupcakes to cool inside muffin tins for about 10 minutes.

5. Remove cupcakes from muffin tins and allow to fully cool on a wire rack. Once cupcakes are cool, prepare your frosting.