Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Good One

Tuesday was a lovely day.  It was warm and breezy.  I had a full morning in court, which I loved.  I found a place where I could get Hostess Sno-Balls and Drake's Cherry Fruit Pies.  I spent my lunch hour on the banks of a retention pond, reading, knitting, and enjoying the breeze.

Not such a good day for Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Apparently, he finally came clean about a child he fathered about 14 years ago while the mother worked in the home he shared with his wife and children.  How utterly tawdry.  Why is it that politicians and actors or any combination thereof, cannot keep their pants zipped?

And while we are on the topic of politicians who cannot keep it zipped - Newt Gingrich, twice divorced for cheating on the spouse of the moment, is already in trouble with his own party for dissing their budget, publicly, loud and clear.  I love to see Republicans eat their own.  I also love to see Democrats eat their own.  Remember, I'm a rational anarchist and I think both major parties, as well as the Libertarian party and any other organized political party, are a blight on America.

The Final Chapter:  Osama in the Ninth Circle of Hell

Well, Mr. Bin Ladin, here we are at long last.  The Ninth Circle of Hell, as conceived by Dante Alighieri, was reserved for the worst sinners in history, those who are guilty of treachery - treachery to family, state, guests, and to God.  Let's skip Rounds 1 through 4, and get to the main event.  I know you have been anxious and excited about meeting the Main Man of Hell.   You know him as Shaitan or maybe you prefer Iblis.  Not that it matters what you prefer, and he's running the show now, and he prefers to be called "Lucifer." 

So now, you have reached the center of Hell.  There have been some changes since Dante "built" this place in the Middle Ages, and I think you'll like the new accommodations.  Here's how it works ... oh, are you cold?  Sorry ... according to Wikipedia, Dante decided that contrary to the conventional vision of Hell being a pit of everlasting flames, Satan, who has somehow acquired two extra heads, is waist deep in ice, weeping tears from his six eyes, and beating his six wings as if trying to escape, although the icy wind that emanates only further ensures his imprisonment (as well as that of the others in the ring). Each face has a mouth that chews on a prominent traitor, with Brutus and Cassius feet-first in the left and right mouths respectively. These men were involved in the assassination of Julius Caeser—an act which, to Dante, represented the destruction of a unified Italy and the killing of the man who was divinely appointed to govern the world. In the central, most vicious mouth is Judas Iscariot—the betrayer of Jesus. Judas is being administered the most horrifying torture of the three traitors, his head gnawed by Satan's mouth, and his back being forever skinned by Satan's claws.

What we do now - there being so many new sinners to deal with - that the worst of the lot (and that includes you) will rotate into the Inner Circle on a regular schedule.  The rest of the time, you will be assigned to an appropriate upper Circle, so in your case, you can expect to spend a good deal of eternity dog-paddling in the boiling blood and fire of the River Phlegethon.  But as the new sinner on the block, so to speak, you are going to get first crack at a place by Satan's side, or under his wings.  Sorry, bad joke.  So say a quick hello to Adolf Hitler, to your right, and Vlad the Impaler to your left.  You lucky dog, you get to take center stage for the next millennium or whenever you rotate out.  Don't worry about that turban, Satan likes to constantly gnaw on the head of whoever occupies that spot. 

I'll be taking my leave of you now, Osama bin Ladin.  For the rest of eternity, you may think on the irony that you were led to the very center of Hell for an eternity of torturous punishment, by an American Jewish lady from New York.  Well, gotta go, back to the sun and fun of Florida, back to America, the land of opportunity, fast food, and religious freedom.  But let me leave you with a little eternal earworm ...  "no phone, no lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury; like Robinson Crusoe, as primitive as can be."  Now THAT'S torture!

For the memory of Michael Opperman

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