Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Tears for Fears

Monday - Waking up to another day of intense pain and depression.  Not sure why I bothered to wake up at all. Whatever tasks I had planned for today are not going to happen. I feel like I have been body slammed, and I am in tears.

I can''t eat. The extra pills I took - 2 Advil and 1 Zantac - have taken up all the available room in what I still refer to as my stomach.  When I have a fibro flair, I suffer with small muscle spasms that not only cause the body pain, but interfere with my ability to swallow and digest.

So I am spending the day in bed, according to my own rules for such dilatory behavior. Rule #1 - I am dressed, albeit casual. Rule #2 - I am sitting on top of the covers.  If I get chilly, cold feet, whatever, I throw a small afghan (a knit blanket, not an Afghani child) or some other kind of blanket over my feet. Today it is Cory's Thomas the Tank Engine sleeping bag.  Rule #3 - I forbid myself to feel guilty. Shit happens. Rule #4 - I am not going to search through my bucket of discarded prescription medications in the hope of finding an opioid or two. Between pain and addiction, I choose pain. The day may come when that is a moot point, but thankfully that day is not today.

Chelsea keeping me company

The turkey, the stuffing, the corn muffins, the kasha varnishkes, and the rest of the stuff on my cooking list are going to have to wait. I'm not going to try to pretend I can stand at the kitchen counter for several hours chopping onions and celery and onions and garlic and onions. I am not preheating my oven or wrestling with a 14 pound galliform, who although deceased is resistant to the idea of having bread stuffing shoved up his butt.  I am not going to bend and stretch and cuss like a mule skinner to empty the dishwasher so I can fill it again. I am not going to mix up a tonic of Murphy's Oil Soap, rubbing alcohol and vegetable oil for spraying my pepper plants against those frakking aphids. I am not going to do any of these things because I can't. Today, I'm no hero. As Judge Carsten once said to me, "you don't have to take one for the team."

So I finally took his advice - he gave it to me over a year ago, but I'm a slow learner - and stayed upstairs, feet up, knitting needles in hand. I did not watch TV; I did listen to music. I spent time with my furry kids, and let Anakin fuss over me. I did manage to eat a little, and I watered my avocado pits.
I hope tomorrow is a better day. For all of us.

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