Dip It, Dip It Good - Awesome Sauce Sauce

Completing tasks is a brutally difficult thing when you've got what I have.  Nonetheless I have to push myself to do what I have to do. Today that was blood tests (sure, let me bleed a little more) and a new set of nails.

Listen, I cut my own hair and groom the dogs myself, and clean the house - okay that last is a slight exaggeration - but I simply do not know how to do my own nails.  I have to have acrylic nails applied because my own nails break easily and after 45 years biting my nails, it bothers me to have ugly fingertips.  Having long nails, I admit, is my one vanity, the longer the better.

So I sat while Tammy fixed my nails - and they seriously needed fixing, after working in the garden they were breaking bad - I had the spooky feeling I was anywhere but the United States. No one was speaking English.  And no one was speaking Spanish, even though I was in a mostly Latino neighborhood.  Vietnamese and Russian.  God bless America.

Window Cat

I love fried food.  It has always been a guilty pleasure, something we did not have at home when I was growing up.  It wasn't until I left to go to college that I was able to indulge in fast food.  I know where my "Freshman 20" came from, and it wasn't Hasbrouck Dining Hall, but a certain fast food restaurant in the same parking lot as the Stewart's, where my roommate Kathy worked. (We were freshman then, she's a grandma now.)

I also know where it ended up - on my rear end, where it stayed until 2003.  

I don't fry at home all that often, although I fry a lot more often than did my grandma. I have no compunctions about frying breaded eggplant slices, or making fried green tomatoes, or fried pickles, or going whole hog (in a matter of speaking) and making my Brooklyn Fried Chicken, or even Chicken Fried Steak with Cream Gravy.  Yeah, that'll kill you.

But what makes fried food even better - if such a thing can be imagined - is dipping it into a mayonnaise-based sauce (because your arteries aren't clogged enough).  Oh, those crazy Belgians!

Truthfully, when it comes to French fries, I still prefer Heinz ketchup, and a lot of black pepper.  If it happens that those French fries came from Nathan's, so much the better.  My favorite fried food is probably onion rings, followed by fried shrimp, but thats another blog post.  A well-made blooming onion is a beautiful thing, but even a pedestrian onion ring from Burger King can make me smile.

Onion rings CAN be dipped into ketchup, but SHOULD be dipped into a mayonnaise-based sauce. THIS mayonnaise-based sauce.  This tastes like the sauce you are given when you order a blooming onion, ONLY BETTER.  This is my recipe, based on several copycat recipes I saw online, which I combined and tweaked and adjusted and re-seasoned.  You definitely have to make this ahead of time and then let it sit in the refrigerator for several hours or preferably overnight. Then start dipping those fried onions.  And fried pickles and fried green tomatoes.

You're welcome.  Anything for a steady customer.

Awesome Sauce Sauce

1/2 cup Hellman's Real Mayonnaise
1 tablespoon Heinz chili sauce
2 tablespoons Kraft creamy horseradish sauce 
1/2 teaspoon Gold's prepared horseradish
1/4 teaspoon Hungarian paprika
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/8 teaspoon granulated garlic 
1/8 teaspoon dried oregano
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Combine all the ingredients, and mix with a rubber spatula.  Refrigerate and then taste and re-season if necessary.  You can adjust the heat by adding more cayenne pepper.  

And now, I want to make my own egg rolls and duck sauce.  I've already pulled a bunch of recipes to study.  Still have to prepare the chile rellenos.  Thinking about fried pickles, the way they used to make them at Uncle Bubba's, using the spears rather than the slices.

Keeping busy.  Eating well.  

Sweet and Spicy Maduros, Because Tostones Are A Pain in The Culo

Oh what a beautiful morning ... Not.

Worst morning I've had in a long time.  Usually the pain and  ennui wait until I've made my first cup of coffee, but this morning it was an immediate kick in the back followed by a small but well-defined anxiety attack.  It took me over an hour to get out of bed.  Hell, I've got a 3:00 PM appointment in Orlando, and I'm afraid I won't make it in time.

Oh happy day ... Not.  I'm not going to lie, I hurt like hell.

Today I want to prepare maduros, a Latino dish based on yellow plantains.  As you may know, a plantain looks like a banana but it is not a banana.  Last time I prepared these was 2011, and I just remember thinking they could have been better.  Turns out the plaintains were nowhere near as ripe as they should have been. I had the same problem with tostones, but that's another blog post.

Yellow plantains - faking ripe

Yellow plantains - perfectly ripe

Perfect plantain for making maduros

2 very ripe yellow plantains, (skin should be almost totally black) peeled and sliced on the bias
1/2 tablespoon of my seasoning blend (see below)
1/2 tablespoon of Paula Deen's Southern Spice Rub (see below)
1/2 tablespoon sugar
3 tablespoons butter
orange blossom honey
canola oil
1 medium jalapeño, seeds removed, sliced into thin rings
1 green onion, sliced diagonally
small amount all-purpose flour

Toss the plantains with the seasonings and the sugar, and let sit a few minutes while you melt the butter over medium high heat. Carefully add the plantains to the pan and cook until they are browned on all sides. Remove to a baking dish and drizzle with honey. Put the skillet off to the side for further use.

Prepare the crispy garnish:

To the skillet in which the maduros were cooked, add enough canola oil to cover the bottom of the pan, and heat the oil on medium high.  Toss the jalapeno and green onion slices in a littlle flour.  Fry in the hot canola oil until crispy. Remove to drain on a paper towel.  Scatter over the maduros just before serving.

Clyde Street Jalapeño 

My seasoning blend:
4 T kosher salt
1 T coarse black pepper
1 T granulated garlic
1 T onion powder
1/2 T white pepper (I like pepper, okay?)

Fried Promises

Paula Deen's Southern Spice Rub
2 T. ground cumin 
2 T. chili powder
1 T. ground coriander 
1 T. kosher salt 
2 t. ground pepper
1/2 t. ground cinnamon 
1/2 t. red pepper flakes

C'est Fini!

I Ain't Gonna Live Forever - Crab Fried Rice

I realize you may be tired of hearing me crab, but it's my life ...

It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

Yep, it's my life and it hurts most of the time.  I got a card from the office peeps, and while they all professed to miss me, it seems what they really miss is my cooking. I guess that's an okay reason to be missed.  Actually, some missed "my smile, my funny stories, and my kind and funny spirit."  It was a lovely card and I really do appreciate it.

This morning the media advised that for the first time since May 2013, the President had a 50% approval rating.  I count myself among the 47% who disapprove of the way the President handles damn near everything. I should tell you that the last time I approved of any president was August 16, 1998, the day before Bill Clinton admitted to inappropriate behavior with Monica Lewinsky.  

Hillary got over it and so did I.  It was none of my business anyway.  Which is why I loathe Ken Starr, a disgusting little prick who obsessed over personal matters that should have remained outside his purview.  I had an opportunity to shake hands with the little prick back in 2003, at the Supreme Court, of all places, and I literally backed away and turned my back on him. At which time I snagged a photo with one of my idols (yes, you have seen it before, but I love it).

The Florida Fat Lady, the Notorious R.B.G., and the Karate Kid

I was able to cook today (happy dance) and after a trip to the Chinese take-out, I was able to eat dinner.  Breakfast and lunch, not so much. Eating remains a huge problem - ironic when you look at the photo.  With all the tests and procedures and anguish I've gone through over the last 4 months, the medical profession has no frakking answer to my problem.  I thought after I took the new medication for a couple of weeks I was experiencing an increase in appetite and ability to retain food, and I actually gained 2 pounds.  Didn't last, damn it.

What I wanted from the Chinese take-out was egg drop soup, no wontons.  Bonus was an order of shrimp toast.  No fried rice, because, well that's what I cooked.  Unfortunately I can't eat the fried rice (or almost anything I cook), as most solid foods get stuck and cause me real pain.

The idea for the crab fried rice came from a meal we enjoyed at Bonefish Grill several weeks ago.  Robert ordered their crab fried rice as a side dish, which I tasted. We both agreed the fried rice was awesome, and I resolved to recreate it at home.  I researched the actual recipe online, which gave me a general idea of what was in there.  Then I went through my collection of fried rice recipes (not kidding) and put together two recipes, and here it is:

Crab Fried Rice

1 large container leftover white rice (from Chinese takeout; chill in refrigerator overnight)3 tablespoons canola oil
1 scallion, thinly sliced on the diagonal
1 very large clove of garlic, thinly sliced
1 egg, whisked 
6 - 8 oz. lump crabmeat
1/3 cup each color (red, yellow, green) bell peppers, chopped
2/3 cup frozen peas and carrots (carrots are cut square)
2 tablespoons dark soy sauce
1 teaspoon sesame oil

In a nonstick wok, heat 1 tablespoon of the oil.  Add the beaten egg and spread thinly across the bottom and up the sides.  Cook for a minute until the egg is set.  Remove the cooked egg to a cutting board or plate, and use kitchen scissors to cut it into small pieces.

Add 2 tablespoons of the oil to the wok.  Add the scallions, garlic, bell peppers, peas and carrots.  Stir fry for about 2 minutes until the scallion and garlic are aromatic, and the peas and carrots are mostly defrosted.  

The rice should be at room temperature.  I put the rice in a 1 gallon plastic storage bag before refrigerating it, and I use my hands to break up any clumps.  Pour the rice into the wok, and stir fry for a minute.  Add the dark soy sauce and the sesame oil, and stir fry constantly until the rice starts to take on color.  Finally add the crab meat and the cooked egg and stir fry just to let the crab warm through.

This fried rice is delicious without the crab meat.  Next time I make Chinese roast pork, I am going to  save some to throw into this rice.  Or substitute shrimp or chicken or snow crab meat.  I was also thinking of adding 1/3 cup frozen corn kernels.  Variations are endless.    

MEEEEEEEEEMES!!!

May the Force be ... gay

I don't know about you, but I love memes. Even the bad ones make me laugh, which may say something about me that bears no further exploration.  

This one is a little too close to the truth

Yesterday I needed to laugh.  Today too.  Yesterday my pain got progressively worse as the day moved on, the kind of internal pain that brings tears to your eyes.  Today my mood is spiraling down despite my best efforts to maintain some kind of balance.

Seriously - MEEEEEEEEMES!!!

I went outside with my first cup of coffee, my music and my hat and checked on my little garden.  This time of the day the garden is still in shade, and walking around admiring my single eggplant and one burgeoning Roma tomato is nice and temporarily curative. Even before that, though, I got the best laugh of the day when I saw how Anakin was spending his morning.

Anakin Skywalker, aka Darth Kitten, Feline Dark Lord of the Sith. Wait for it ...

I only wish I could have maintained that level of jocularity, but I'm still in several kinds of pain, and right now all I want to do is sit in my corner of the couch.

This one is definitely too close to the truth ...WAIT FOR IT ...

I have a couple of dishes I'd like to whip up - crab fried rice, maduros, and chile rellenos - but unless I can cook one-handed, the other being used for support with a cane - it just isn't going to happen.  Crap.

Wait for it ... and, now:

Aren't you glad you waited for it?

But something even better than crab fried rice happened today.  Today James planted my new trees, a lemon and a kumquat. I am really excited, because I'm one step further to finally getting rid of the world's ugliest evergreens, forced upon us by the City of Kissimmee, and replaced with nice trees that are legitimately representative of the South.

Come on nerds, you know who the gift recipient is

When we lived in the first house in Hunter's Creek, I planted crape myrtles and a kumquat tree.  When we moved to the other house in Hunter's Creek, my brother-in-law planted for us a beautiful magnolia in front, and three different citrus trees in back.  For some reason the citrus trees - kumquat, lemon, and lime - did not thrive, but the magnolia was sturdy, and every year gave us gorgeous, lush ivory blossoms.

Now that this house is a residence, we've been slowly putting in DIY landscaping, based on our favorites from 23 years living in this area.  So we have hibiscus and crotons, bougainvillea and two magnolia trees, and now kumquat and lemon.  Next project is to get rid of yet another ugly evergreen that looks like it belongs in the Canadian Rockies, and replace it with a crape myrtle. Southern comfort, indeed.

Speaking of southern comfort, I don't think my neighbors have any idea how much pleasure I get from their yard plantings.  I took this one just as we were getting hit with (yet another) rain storm, but you can still appreciate the color of the plumbago, and yes, that is the courthouse peeking between the trees.

Not far from the plumbago, my neighbor has what is probably my favorite tree, the crape myrtle.  When I first moved here almost 24 years ago, I remember telling someone - can't remember who he was, except I do remember that he was a special kind of stupid - that I was going to seriously miss being able to grow lilacs here.  Lilacs hold a special place in my heart, and the scent of no other flower, even roses, can cause me that much joy.  Special Kind of Stupid told me to "just grow crape myrtles instead." He thought he was being helpful, so I didn't smack him up side the head.

No cooking today. I'm still in pain, damn it.  I have worked out the recipe I'm going to follow for the crab fried rice, but that's for tomorrow.  Hopefully.

From the "I'm naturally depressed, and all this doesn't help" department:  It is hard to believe that in the real world things keep getting worse. Greece is about to default on all its loans, and it is taking the rest of the world economies with it.  The Dow is tanking as I'm sitting here typing.  The South Carolina Church Massacre.  The escape of two convicted murderers from the Clinton Correctional Facility in "really" upstate New York, and their remaining on the lam for three weeks. Almost simultaneous terrorist attacks in three countries. ISIS ISIS everywhere. Exploding space ships. A bad nuclear deal with Iran. Shark attacks. Flesh-eating bacteria. The Department of Homeland Security and the FBI have issued a Fourth of July terror warning. Our Nation's birthday party being crapped on by terrorists, that's terrific.

Frankenchickaroni: Buffalo Wing Mac and Cheese

Still feeling the love at the steps of the Supreme Court

Cooking: Today is Buffalo Wing Mac and Cheese; tomorrow is Maybe Like Bonefish Grill Crab Fried Rice.  Both of these are coming  from my head, the same head that has mental confusion, brain fog, and forgetfulness.  Good luck to me.

Decisions - and the winner is the Buffalo Wing Glaze

I needed to make a side dish to go with the lamb chops, meatloaf, and tamale pie.  I developed a craving for macaroni and cheese, but at the same time it was bothering me that I did not have a chicken dish to balance the heavier meats.  

Lotsa lotsa cheese

What I came up with was this Frankenchickaroni of a dish that I like a lot.  I would eat more of it if I could, but you know how that goes with my fabulous digestive system, so I'll just have to take the wish for the deed.

The sauce component is both lush and fluffy, the result of stirring ricotta, feta, and sour cream into the cooked macaroni before pouring on a bechamel-based five-cheese sauce.

Trust me

Frankenchickaroni: Buffalo Wing Mac and Cheese

1 - 16 oz. box Mueller's Large Elbows macaroni

1 stick (8 tablespoons) butter
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 quart (4 cups) whole milk

Kosher salt
ground black pepper
a pinch of cayenne
a pinch of nutmeg
a few drops of Tabasco
one shot of Worcestershire sauce

1 cup each of shredded cheese:
sharp cheddar
pepper jack
Velveeta (Yes, Velveeta)
mozzarella
Swiss cheese

1 - 15 oz. container whole milk ricotta
1 - 4 oz. container Athenos crumbled feta cheese
1 cup (1/2 pint) sour cream

1 - 24 oz. bag Banquet frozen popcorn chicken
1 bottle Sweet Baby Ray's Buffalo Wing Sauce and Glaze
1 cup shredded sharp cheddar

2 tablespoons butter
1 1/2 cups French's French Fried Onions (Yes, yes, YES, French fried onions in a can. Trust me.)

Cooking the elbow macaroni according to package directions, drain and rinse briefly with cool water.  Drain again.  In a large bowl, combine the cooked macaroni with the ricotta, feta, and sour cream. Set aside and prepare the cheese sauce.

In a medium pot over medium high heat, add the stick of butter and when melted, add the flour.  Whisk these together until a smooth roux forms and continue cooking until the "raw" flour smell is gone, about 2 minutes.  Continue whisking as you pour in the milk.  The white sauce (bechamel) will not thicken until it is fully heated, so keep whisking over medium to medium high heat.  Once the sauce has thickened, season it with the salt, pepper, cayenne, nutmeg, Tabasco and Worcestershire.  Now remove from the heat, and stir in the five cups of shredded cheese.  Whisk until the cheese is completely melted and the sauce is smooth.  Pour the sauce over the cooked macaroni.

Now prepare the popcorn chicken: in a 9 x 13 aluminum baking dish that has been no-stick sprayed, put about half a bag of the popcorn chicken to fill the bottom of the pan, not more than one layer.  Cook according to package directions.  Remove the pan from the oven, and change the cook setting to broil.  Pour enough of the wing sauce over the chicken to coat each piece.  Place under the broiler for a few minutes, then turn each piece over and broil the other side.  Remove the baking dish from the oven and set aside.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.  Put the 2 tablespoons of butter into a 9 x 13 inch aluminum baking dish and place in the oven to melt the butter.  Pour off the melted butter and set aside. Pour half of the macaroni and cheese sauce into the prepared baking dish.  Arrange the glazed popcorn chicken in a single layer over the macaroni. Top with the remaining cup of cheddar. Pour the remaining macaroni and cheese over the chicken.

Top the dish with the French friend onions. Carefully pour the melted butter over the onions  Place in the oven and bake for 25 to 35 minutes, until the dish is warmed all the way through and the French fried onions are light brown and crispy.  Check the onions after 15 minutes; if they are getting brown too quickly, lay a piece of foil over the top to prevent them from burning.

This is best right out of the oven.  No matter when you eat it, it is incredibly rich and creamy and awesome and cheesy.  The buffalo-glazed popcorn chicken is a neat little bite of heat in the middle of all that richness.  And the French fried onions are much better than bread crumbs. Really, truly.

Put The Lime In The Coconut Cake

I apologize, but could not pass on this Morpheus Matrix Meme.  Or the excessive alliteration which seems to spring unbidden from my fingertips.  Sorry - but not much.

Put the Lime in the Coconut Cake

1 package Duncan Hines Signature Coconut Cake mix
1 - 3.4 oz. package Jell-o coconut cream instant pudding and pie filling
4 extra large eggs
1 cup water
1/3 cup canola oil
1/3 cup Baker's sweetened coconut
1 - 22 oz. can Duncan Hines/Comstock key lime crème
1 - 1 pound tub Pillsbury creamy vanilla frosting
1 1/2 teaspoon coconut extract
1 cup Baker's sweetened coconut

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Grease and flour (or use a no-stick baking spray) a 9 by 13 inch baking dish. Combine the cake mix, pudding mix, eggs, water, and oil in a large bowl.  With an electric hand mixer, beat at low speed until moistened, and then at medium speed for 2 minutes.  Add the 1/3 cup of coconut and beat on low just to incorporate it into the batter.  Pour the batter into the prepared pan, and bake for 27 to 32 minutes.

Let the cake cool for a few minutes.  With a cooling rack, turn the cake out of the pan, and then carefully return it to the pan so that the flat side is now on top.

With an apple corer, create 15 holes in the cake.  Fill each hole with some of the key lime creme, then use the remaining creme to cover the top of the cake.  Refrigerate for several hours.

In a heavy nonstick skillet, over medium low heat, toast the cup of coconut.  Remove from the heat before it is done, and keep stirring with a wooden spoon.  The skillet will retain heat and the coconut will continue to darken for a minute or more.  Let the toasted coconut cool.

When you are ready to finish the cake, uncover the frosting and microwave for 30 seconds.  Stir in the coconut extract, and keep stirring until the frosting is fully and evenly melted.  Pour the frosting over the entire cake and top with the toasted coconut.  Refrigerate for several hours before serving. 

Cut the cake into 15 pieces, each piece having a pocket of filling situated in the center.