Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Shattered Dreams

What a perfectly craptastic day. I still haven't figured out what happened to the bookmark function on my iPad, nor why I can no longer insert photos into the blog. I don't have the energy to sit at Rob's desk while the iPad and his desktop make friends and allow me to access the contents of my iCloud, which is still not going to resolve the issue of the photos.  I am so over Blogger and Google I could scream. Convenient to use and at the same time the clumsiest, most user-unfriendly piece of programming I have met in a long time - at least since I retired. Programs developed by and for governmental agencies are the worst. (Think: Signing up for Obamacare)

That wasn't the worst, by a long shot. It never is, when you have fibromyalgia and you've just drifted through six straight days of steady pain and chronic exhaustion and you really truly believe, from the bottom of your misfiring heart, that tomorrow will be better. Last night, after Tai Chi class, I was  feeling sufficiently better (and quite a bit more chipper) to set my mind to a Much Better Day. So today, Day Seven, I woke up with that happy thought lingering in my head only to find it was 3 hours later than I anticipated and my body was already engulfed in spasms of pain even though I hadn't yet tried to stand up. It was downhill from there.

Forget the whiny details. Besides the pain, my head has been going to those Dark Places I try to avoid. First, a few days ago I was able to remember which of my doctors had upset me when he/she spoke the words "I can't write down that you are disabled just because you don't want to work anymore." I knew I had to get rid of that doctor, but fibromyalgia brain fog took that memory from me for the longest time. I was considering getting rid of both of them, when as in a dream, I heard the person speak those words. I know that voice, clear as crystal, and I now remember the doctor who thoughtlessly and cruelly added to my distress by not believing me. From that one moment of clarity after so many months of fog, I grabbed the memory and wrote it down to hold on to it. Time to do a search for a doctor in that area of medical practice that accepts my insurance.

What the chronic pain and exhaustion means is that I have to reinvent my life. I imagined that retirement, which I had planned for at age 67, would be a slow, pleasant waltz with my husband, during which we would do some traveling, if not overseas, then motor trips around the US. I wanted to do some volunteer work with the GAL and Teen Court programs. And for years, I silently dreamed of going back to school to finish my advanced degree in psychology. I was going to cook and bake all the recipes I'd had to set aside while I was busy working. I would entertain again, keep a garden, finish my first degree black belt in taekwondo. Shattered dreams, all gone now.

Some new symptoms to add to the recently appended electric shocks in my fingers, hand, and arms - excruciating lower abdomen pain and nausea followed by full body weakness and passing out. Not a true faint - I was able to make it as far as the bed, but the second I got there I was down and out.

Sorry to kvetch yet again, but I had high hopes of driving to Tennessee this weekend for a very special high school graduation and I simply can't do it. Sitting in the car for extended period of time, standing, socializing, eating, smiling, applauding, exchanging hugs, and crying happy tears, all too much for me now. I've lost count of how many special occasions I have had to miss because of fibromyalgia.

The photo-inserting function and my favorites list just reappeared as suddenly as they disappeared last week (and that's how long it has taken me to finish this one post). I still have no idea why it happened and how to avoid it in the future. Story of my life.

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