The Long and Winding Road to Egg Rolls and an Orange Apricot Dipping Sauce

July 7 - I had a rough night. I struggled to survive.  I cannot begin to express how absolutely awful it is to live with heightened depression and anxiety. Another "invisible disease"; for the most part I look okay, and even sound okay. Yes, I do use a cane much of the time, and that is something you can see, but you can't see the inner pain. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety my whole life, and right now is as bad as it has ever gotten.  I'm not sure which is more crippling - the chronic pain syndrome, or the depression and anxiety. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist today, and that is a good thing.

Until then, I will huddle in the corner of my couch, trying to figure my way out of this mess. (As it turned out, the only way out of the mess was to tell my psychiatrist what was going on and admit myself to a local psychiatric hospital.  Three days in a very special kind of hell.  But that's most certainly another blog post).

Today is supposed to be the day I conquer egg rolls.  So I put some hard boiled egg white on a very small roll, and called it breakfast.  Egg roll breakfast, get it? (Pathetic, I know).

So I researched recipes for egg rolls, and started mixing up bits and pieces from different versions and out of my feverish head) to come up with this, my very own egg roll recipe.

My recipe includes pork and shrimp.  It's best to prepare each of these first, then set them aside.  You can do these days in advance.  You can move to the next step and finish preparing the filling.  The only thing you cannot do in advance is fill and wrap the egg roll without frying it within a few minutes.

Ground Pork Char Siu Style

3/4 pound ground pork
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp honey
1 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp sherry
1 tbsp hoisin sauce
½ tsp Chinese five spice powder

Place the pork in a heavy skillet.  Sprinkle over the garlic, ginger, sugar, and five spice powder.  Turn the heat on to high and cook the pork breaking it up with a wooden spoon and stirring to combine the spices.  Lower the heat to medium and add the soy sauce, honey, sherry, and hoisin sauce.  Stir while cooking, until the liquids are evenly absorbed by the pork.  Remove from the heat and set aside to cool completely before using in the egg roll.  I put it in the refrigerator for a few hours.

Marinated Cooked Shrimp

1/2  pound fully cooked salad-size shrimp (100-150 shrimp per pound), defrosted, rinsed, patted dry.  Next time, I am going to try with medium shrimp.
1/2 teaspoon granulated garlic
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 tablespoon soy sauce
1/2 tablespoon honey
1/2 tablespoon sugar
1/2 tablespoon sherry
1/2 tablespoon hoisin sauce
1/2 tablespoon Hokan chili sauce with garlic
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

With Six You Get Egg Roll 

2 tablespoons oyster sauce
1 tablespoon soy sauce
2 teaspoons sesame oil
2 teaspoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
canola oil for frying
4-5 cloves finely chopped garlic
equivalent amount finely chopped ginger
3-4 scallions, white and green parts sliced diagonally

2 red chili peppers (looks a bit like a red jalapeño), seeded, deveined, halved crosswise, cur into matchsticks

2 cups cole slaw mix 

1 cup bean sprouts

1-3.5 oz. box shiitake mushrooms, stems removed, caps sliced thin

1/2 pound marinated shrimp (recipe above)

2 tablespoons cornstarch (optional)

3/4 pound ground pork cooked char siu style (recipe above)

1-1 pound package egg roll wrappers (about 20 wrappers)

Thai basil leaves

1 egg, lightly beaten

In a small bowl, combine the the oyster sauce, sesame oil, soy sauce, salt and sugar. Stir until the salt and sugar are dissolved. Combine the cornstarch with the shrimp and set aside. In a wok, heat several tablespoons of the canola oil. When the oil is hot, add the ginger, garlic, and minced onions, and cook for 2 minutes. Add the scallions, red chili peppers, and shiitake mushrooms. Stir-fry for 4 minutes. Add the cabbage and sprouts, stir fry for 2 minutes, then push to the side to expose oil on the bottom and add the shrimp.  Let the corn starch coating set on each side of the shrimp, then stir fry in with the vegetables.  Add the cooked pork and oyster sauce mixture and mix thoroughly. Stir fry 2 minutes. Remove from the heat and cool completely.

To assemble, place 2 or 3 Thai basil leaves just below the center of each wrapper, then spoon about 1/4 cup of the filling in a rectangular shape on top of the That basil. Fold in the ends toward the center about 1/4-inch. Then, beginning at the bottom, roll up the wrapper, like a jelly roll, using a little of the egg wash to seal the end tightly. Repeat until all of the egg rolls are done.

Fry the egg rolls in batches until golden brown, stirring occasionally for overall browning, about 2 to 3 minutes. Remove from the oil and drain on paper towels. Serve warm with the Orange Apricot Dipping Sauce.

1/2 cup orange marmalade
1/2 cup apricot preserves
2 1/2 tablespoons Gold's prepared horseradish
1 tablespoon Hokan Chinese chili sauce with garlic

Stir the above ingredients together well. Serve with the egg rolls

Oh dearie me, it's been five days since I started this post - I apologize for my absence, but I had to take care of something rather important. But I'm back, and happy to have finished these egg rolls and a sauce to go with them.

I have shared the most personal experience of my brief hospitalization, out here publicly because I know my situation is not unique.  If you ever find yourself hitting bottom, contemplating a final solution, GET HELP.  And then, immediately develop a relationship with a psychiatrist and a therapist.  God bless the depressed, and God help us.  It's not easy feeling grief.

Please Remind Me Who I Really Am

I have no recipe for you today, although I expect to have the complete egg roll recipe done and photographed for tomorrow.

The completed filling, full of pork, shrimp, and shiitake mushrooms

What happened to me these past five days was the last act of a Shakespearean tragedy, and I should know - I got an "A" in Shakespeare in college.  Some of you know where I was, and that wasn't on a Carnival cruise.  I only wish.

I cannot explain it all, because I don't fully understand myself how I sank so low that I have described it as the lowest point of my entire life.  That's saying something, because my life has been no bed of roses.  I am not trying to garner sympathy - we have all had dark times in our lives - but I had reached the point where I felt everything was hopeless.  For many of us, feeling hopeless brings us to a terrible place with only terrible choices available.

Lost - Chile Rellenos with a Sweet Onion Tomato Sauce

In my life
I've felt so self-assured
But oh how all the seasons change
And now I'm not that strong

'cause I am lost
Living inside myself
Living inside this hell

I have an ear worm that I picked up while in Publix today.  Purely accidental, it happened while I was plugged into my iPhone, searching for egg roll wrappers and ginger root.  I was already feeling bad, especially when I realized the song expressed far too well my state of mind.  When I got home, I had mail from the state advising me I was being terminated.  I'm going to have to sort this out, as I have also applied for disability retirement, but I am going to have to appear at a hearing to address the termination and let's just say I am terrified and emotionally distraught.  I can't think straight, folks, and I hurt most of the time.  Apparently I may have seriously endangered my family's income and health insurance. Certainly it's as unintentional as when I forgot to file my CLE credits with the Florida Bar, and thus had to stop practicing law for a couple of days, but it is just as serious, and I don't know what I have to do to fix it.       

(Yeah, memory and cognition have been a problem for a while.  Quite a while.  Longer than I like to admit.) 

I did manage to make chile rellenos and I was quite pleased at the result.  They turned out to be a lot easier than tamales, and I will surely make them again.  I'm sorry I only made four of them - next time I'll double that number.  Once upon a time, I could prepare an international buffet for 50 guests; these chiles would have made a perfect component.  These days, I don't invite people over - too much stress. Too much pain. Much too much anxiety. I'm a small-batch home cook these days, and grateful I can still do that much.

Chile Rellenos

4 poblano chiles
1/2 a package of queso fresco (a Mexican cheese), about 6 ounces
1 package McCormick Golden Dipt All-Purpose Batter
Canola oil for fryingSweet Onion Tomato Sauce for serving (recipe below)

First, char the chiles on all sides under the broiler.  The skins should be darkened and blistered.  Move the chiles to a zip top plastic storage bag and let steam for around 10 minutes.

Remove the chiles from the bag; with your fingers, gently peel off the outer skin and discard.  Do not run water over the chiles to clean off the skin; if a small bit can't be dislodged, leave it alone - it won't spoil the overall dish.

Now comes the tricky part: cut one side of each chile from top almost to the bottom. Carefully remove all of the seeds and as much of the veins as you can without ripping the chile.  Take your time with this step - I used a small, sharp knife and a teaspoon - because if you don't get rid of the seeds, you are in for a mouthful of hurt.

Cut the queso fresco into 4 strips that will fit into the chiles.  Carefully stuff each chile with the cheese and then close the cut side with toothpicks.  At this point, I covered them and put them in the refrigerator overnight, but you can certainly finish them at this point without that step.

Prepare the Golden Dipt according to package directions, which calls for a two-step dip, first in wet batter (which is prepared with just water) and then in the remaining dry mix.  This is where I made it easy for myself, as most chile rellenos recipes call for a big, puffy batter which requires separating eggs and all that jazz.  That's how I've eaten it in restaurants, and sometimes the flavor of the poblano gets lost under all that deep-fried egginess.  

Heat about an inch of canola oil in a deep skillet.  Coat the chiles according to package direction and fry on both sides until golden brown.  Drain on paper towels while you prepare the tomato sauce:

Oil for frying - I used about 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
1 large sweet onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
1-14.5 oz. can diced tomatoes
1-8 oz. can tomato sauce
2 tablespoons dried oregano
2 tablespoons cumin
2 tablespoons seasoned salt
1 tablespoon ground black pepper
sugar, to taste
Kosher salt, to taste
cayenne pepper, to taste

Cook the onion and garlic in the hot oil for about 10 minutes, until soft and sweet.  Add all of the spices and herbs, and cook for another 5 minutes.  Add the diced tomatoes and tomato sauce, and bring the sauce to a low boil.  Lower the heat, cover the pan, and simmer for 20 minutes.  

With tongs carefully remove the toothpicks from the stuffed chiles.  Spoon the tomato sauce into an ovenproof baking dish and then place the chiles on top of the sauce.  Bake in a 350 degree oven for about 15 minutes.  Serve with pride, and maybe some rice.

Cola-Q Convection Ribs

I've already lost 2 of the 3 pounds I gained and yeah, I'm annoyed.  Yesterday was such an awful day for eating, I wanted to scream but my throat was raw. And the frakking medication is NOT working.  NOT WORKING.  Which means I am always in a bad mood, except when I'm in an okay mood, except when I'm having a frakking panic attack. 

The good news is that those St. Louis-style ribs are all cooked and ready to eat; the bad news is that I can't eat them, now not, not ever.  However, that should not stop you from trying the recipe, enjoying the dish, and spreading the love.

You know how when you watch Guy Fieri visit all those different diners, drive-ins, and dives, the folks who are eating there always explain their love of the food with the phrase "it tastes like home"? Well, these ribs taste like home, or they would if I used my mother's homemade maple barbecue sauce.  Still, oven-roasted ribs with any sauce remind me of growing up and eating real good.  I've also smoked ribs, and those are awesome, but I love these the best.

Another thing that is different from my parent's home is my spiffy convection oven.  I must admit the ribs came out even better.  Epic success.  If I wasn't so frakking miserable I'd be happy.

Smear some of the honey mustard on both sides of each rack

Now, if you have the knife skills, I recommend you remove the membrane that runs across the back of the ribs.  You want to use a really sharp boning knife to start to separate the membrane from the bones, and then use a paper towel to grab the membrane and start pulling.  Repeat until you remove most, if not all, of the membrane.

Sprinkle the back sides with some light brown sugar

Cola-Q Convection Ribs

2 racks St. Louis-style pork spareribs (each rack has around 12 ribs)
1 bottle Ken's Steakhouse Honey Mustard
light brown sugar
Steven Raichlen's Basic BBQ Spice Rub or another spice blend, commercial or homemade
1 bottle Sweet Baby Ray's Cola-Q BBQ sauce

After the brown sugar, generously sprinkle on the spice rub

I use a very large aluminum pan, the type you use for holding hot water in a chafing dish set-up.  Both racks of ribs will fit with the outsides tilted upward.  Once the backs have been sprinkled with sugar and spice rub, turn the racks meat side up and repeat the brown sugar and spice rub.

Preheat a convection oven on 350 degrees (I set 350, and the oven sets itself for 325 degrees).  Roast for one hour, turning the pan front to back halfway through.  Lower the oven temperature to 300 (oven will set itself for 275).  Apply the barbecue sauce lavishly all over the top of the ribs, then cover the pan with aluminum foil and return to the oven for another hour. Cook a little longer or until the meat is very tender.

To finish the ribs, brush on any barbecue sauce left in the bottle and place uncovered in the oven for another 5 to 10 minutes.  To serve, cut the racks into two-rib pieces.

Maple Barbecue Sauce

2/3 cup Log Cabin Original maple flavored syrup

3 to 4 tablespoons Heinz ketchup

2 tablespoons French's yellow mustard

2 scant tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon granulated garlic

1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper

a few drops Tabasco sauce, optional

kosher salt and ground black pepper, to taste

Place all the ingredients into a screw top container.  Shake well to combine.  Refrigerate for several hours or overnight before using.  Always shake the container before using the sauce.

Don't bother trying this with real maple syrup, it doesn't work.  It's got to be the maple flavored syrup and it's got to be Log Cabin.  Also, don't put this in a blender nor use beaters or a whisk to combine.  That will cause the mixture to emulsify, which will turn your nice pourable barbecue sauce into edible sludge.

Steven Raichlen's Basic BBQ Spice Rub

1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/4 cup sweet paprika
3 tablespoons black pepper
3 tablespoons coarse salt
1 tablespoon hickory-smoked salt or more coarse salt
2 teaspoons garlic powder
2 teaspoons onion powder
2 teaspoon celery seeds
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Combine all the ingredients in a mixing bowl and stir to mix. (Actually, your hands work better for mixing than a spoon or whisk does. Use your fingers to break up any lump of brown sugar.) Store the rub in an airtight jar away from heat or light; it will keep for at least 6 months.

My version of the Sixteen Spice Blend, plus a link to the original recipe from Bobby Flay is here.

Thunder and lightening, very very frightening me ...

            

Proud to be an American - Smoky Sausage and Peppers in Alfredo Sauce - BOGO Ribs

Happy Independence Day!  At the risk of being accused of jingoism, I just want to say that I am forever grateful that I was born in the United States of America, the greatest country in the world.

God bless America, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. No matter where I have traveled, and the wonders I have seen, I am always glad to come home, sometimes deeply relieved.  Like after I spent some time in the Munich airport waiting to change planes.  You really don't want to be a Jew in Munich. (Of course, you also don't want to be a Jew driving through Mississippi).

Time to move on to reruns of "BBQ Pitmasters" and some cooking.

Chile rellenos, like tamales, are a major pain in the culo to prepare at home.  I now understand why Mexican restaurants do not keep these regularly on their menus, or run out before the lunch time rush begins. So it is no surprise that these are two of my favorite things to order on those rare occasions we eat out.

Four poblano peppers, unstuffed, waiting, waiting ...

I don't know why chile rellenos are so damn labor intensive. They are stuffed peppers, for heaven's sake, and I've been whipping up stuffed peppers since 1971. But there are extra steps, and recipes-within-recipes, so that by the time you are done you are ready for a quick trip to Taco Bell, for an unauthentic Mexican hot pocket whose one virtue is that you can hold your entire breakfast in one hand, while texting or driving or making obscene gestures with the other.

Counter Cat

I could take another route - there are chile rellenos casserole recipes out there that even bypass the use of fresh chiles - but I would like to get as close to real as possible.  I have an idea.  Several ideas.

Greek oregano, flat leaf parsley, and sweet basil, from my garden

So we did our shopping today, and Publix did not fail to please.  Except I forgot to pick up the egg roll wrappers and the buttermilk for the fried pickles, but I have so many projects on my table that those can wait a day or two until I can make another run to Publix.

How could I pass up a BOGO on St. Louis ribs?

After all my talk about chile rellenos, it turns out that today is going to be about St. Louis-style spare ribs and smoky sausage and peppers in Alfredo sauce.  Two recipes for the price of one!  Happy Fourth of July!

Good things from the garden

These green bell peppers were a gift from my next door neighbor, who also has a yard garden which is much better established than mine.  I love the idea of folks who have business with the court having to pass our urban gardens. I was never the type of lawyer who wore suits or high heels, and Kissimmee has never been the kind of venue that supports attorney egos. Or judicial egos, but that's another blog post. I like to think our little Victory Gardens bring people down to earth.  I decided to make a variation on sausage and pepper, and filled a small baking dish to share with my neighbor, my way of saying "thank you".

So here's where we start; I had two packages of Guy Fieri sausages in the freezer.  I like Guy Fieri and I like the sausages. I really like Andrew Zimmern, but he has no sausages named after him.

Smoky Sausage and Peppers Alfredo

2-12 oz. packages Guy Fieri sausages, cut on the diagonal
2 tablespoons garlic flavored extra virgin olive oil
1 large sweet onion, halved and sliced thin
4-6 large cloves of garlic, sliced thin
8 oz. sliced button mushrooms
3 medium bell peppers, cut into strips (I mix the colors)
1 tablespoon garlic flavored extra virgin olive oil
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil
1 tablespoon chopped fresh oregano
kosher salt, ground black pepper, granulated garlic, Raging River Five Pepper Blend (all to taste)
2-15 oz. jars good quality Alfredo sauce with roasted garlic (I used Publix Premium)
1-2 tablespoons grated Parmesan
fresh chopped flat leaf parsley

In a large deep skillet over medium high heat, heat the olive oil.  Add the sliced sausage and cook for 6-8 minutes.  Remove the sausage from the skillet, using a slotted spoon, and set it aside.  Let the skillet cool; pour off the excess fat, and then use paper towels to wipe out the pan.

Put the pan back on the stove, and add the 1 tablespoon of oil and the butter.  When they are hot and melted, add the onions, garlic, and bell peppers.  Cook for about 5 minutes, then add the mushrooms. Continue to cook until any extra liquid from the vegetables is mostly gone and the vegetables are tender.  Add the basil, oregano, salt, pepper, granulated garlic and Raging River.  Cook for a few more minutes, and lower the heat.  Now add both jars of the Alfredo sauce and simmer for a few minutes, then add the cooked sausage and stir it into the sauce.  Add the Parmesan. If the sauce becomes too thick, stir in up to 1/4 cup half-and-half or whole milk. Garnish with parsley before serving with noodles, pasta, rice, or mashed potatoes.

This is a wonderful alternative to tomato-based sauces, which neither Rob or I can eat later in the day, and Cory doesn't really care for.  Also, the Guy Fieri sausages are all smoked, and I just thought the flavor would be clearer in a white sauce.  This is really delicious, and I can't wait to present it to my neighbor.

Now, about those pork ribs - St. Louis is my favorite cut to cook and to eat.  When I walked into Publix I had no intention of looking for ribs, but there they were in the "buy one, get one" case.  Great googly moogly, that's a beautiful rack of nicely butchered ribs for free.  Free is good, folks, especially when the quality is excellent and the product is something my family loves almost beyond reason.

My grandmother made the best spareribs in the world.  The goodness relied on her sauce, and getting that recipe from her was harder than getting a nuclear non-proliferation agreement from Iran. It wasn't that she didn't want to give me the recipe; she just didn't know how to convey the information. It took years for me to work it out, and I'm quite pleased with it.

By the way, I did not use her sauce when I prepared the ribs.  Sorry for the build-up, but I headed in another direction, which I will share with you ... tomorrow.

In Search of ... What Did I Say?

Before the Dark Times ... Before the Empire.

When is meatloaf not a meatloaf?  When it is an eggplant, of course.

This isn't as strange a question as you might think.  At least not to me.  You see, this is how my brain works these days, badly.  I continue to have problems finding words, and that is very scary.  There was a time I was sharp as a tack when it came to thinking on my feet.  I could spit back statutory cites and big chunks of case law without breaking a sweat; today, all I can do is spit at the bench (and that's all I'm going to say about that, at least for now.)

But what triggered my upset was food, of all things.  Cory had come in after work and a visit to the pool hall, and as usual, he made a plate for himself from the various prepared dishes in the refrigerators.  He stopped in to chat with his dad and me, and I saw that he had a piece of meatloaf on his plate.  What I wanted to ask him was "have you had the meatloaf yet?" but what I said was "have you had the eggplant?"

I looked right at the plate, directly at the meatloaf, and then went on to identify it as eggplant.  I was crushed. And scared; is this part of the forgetfulness and mental confusion that goes with the whole chronic pain gig?  Or is it something far worse?  Stay tuned; this is all new territory for me as well.

Today has been a full and busy day, which means no cooking occurred.  Still, I spent quite a bit of time researching recipes on the net and in my personal cookbook library.  I shopped, defrosted, and pulled apart my pantry and freezer looking for inspiration.  Part of that was sparked by my neighbor, who presented me with green bell peppers from his garden.  Such a sweet gesture, and it made me want to use those peppers for a tasty dish that both of our families could enjoy.

So I've been noodling a recipe for sausage and peppers and maybe sundried tomatoes and herbs and possibly olives in Alfredo sauce, as well as wanting to (finally) finish the chile rellenos with those 3 poblano peppers in my vegetable drawer, and work on egg rolls and dipping sauce.  Check in with me tomorrow, I may have something tasty to report.

The best surprise of the day was a visit from Terry, my friend and former paralegal, who I introduced to James and Linda as "the head on my shoulders, my right hand, and my left hand."  The day our supervisor separated us while rearranging all of the attorney-paralegal assignments was the same day I lost Bethe.  To me, it felt like I had suffered two deaths in the same day, and I have never recovered.  I like my supervisor, as she has been a friend, very kind and accommodating, but I have told her that this is one thing I cannot forgive.

You know the old saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it?"  Who knows where I would be now if our team had been left intact?  Who knows?